|the carnival at the end of the rainbow
April 17th, 2006
Like a concrete rose reaching for the sun from the cracks of the pavement, a multi-colored ferris wheel rises from between a community college parking lot on one side and the projects abutting the infamous East 14th of Oakland on the other to herald the coming of The Ghetto Carnival!
This carnival literally packs up and goes from one end of the city to the other on a day to day basis as the spirit moves it. It's so migratory.
Long time readers of this journal will no doubt be familiar with my fascination with such grassroots sources of pleasure as county fairs. Well, with the 500th straight day of rain we have had in 2006 (and it's only the 106th day of the year!), summer certainlly will not be getting here any time soon so to tide me over, I decided to attend The Ghetto Carnival.
Alas, there was not one booth to be found selling kettle corn, so it was kind of a bummer, and it started raining (BOOOOO) 30 minutes after we arrived, cutting our experience drearily short. More pictures follow.
( Ghetto PrincessCollapse )
As we drove home, what do we see but the second most breathtaking and magical double rainbow I have ever seen.
This would be Number One.
And now, I would like to end with beautiful and poignant words from the great Mariah Carey:
I know there is a rainbow for me to follow to get beyond my sorrow.
Thunder precedes the sunlight so I'll be alright if I can find that rainbow's end.
The best lyrics that have to do with rainbows:
TLC's Waterfalls: I seen a rainbow yesterday but too many storms have come and gone leavin' a trace of not one God-given ray!
Judy Garland's Over The Rainbow: If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why oh why can't I????????
Three 6 Mafia's Rainbow Colors: I got them rainbow colors in my cup! Jollyranches, man, that sh** be as good as f***!! That's the syrup, motherf******, that's the syrup!!!
Kermit The Frog's The Rainbow Connection: Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors??? The voice might be one and the same! I've heard it too many times to ignore it... Someday we'll find it - the rainbow connection!!!
March 13th, 2006
Today I saw that boy and I wondered if he noticed me. He took my breath away. I can't get him off my mind and it scares me because I've never felt this way! No one in this world knows me better than you do. So Diary, I'll confide in you.
Today I saw that boy. As he walked by, I thought he smiled at me! And I wondered, Does he know what's in my heart?? I tried to smile, but I could hardly breathe! Should I tell him how I feel, or would that scare him away??
Diary - tell me what to do. Please tell me what to say! One touch of his hand... Now I can't wait to see that boy again! He smiled and I thought my heart could fly!!!!!! Diary, do you think that we'll be more than friends? I've got a feeling we'll be so much more than friends...
Love always -n- foreva,
Buying shirts on sale using a giftcard bought with a discount in conjunction with a $25 "Appreciation Card."
Booking a free 20 minute facial with MD Formulations at Nordstrom!
Scoring knitted black glovittens (gloves that turn into mittens, you know the deal) for $2.50.
Finally finding the time to update my LJ!
As you can tell, nothing makes me more happy than a good bargain, and I'm not talking about none of that 50% Off sales mess either. I'm talking about the Take An Additional 50% Off All Clearance Items sales.
Hey guys, remember Vengaboys?
Though every song sounded exactly the same, one couldn't help but fall in love with such a sophisticated pop group. They kind of went downhill with their subsequent release, but their debut was quite a musical gem!
And because I totally want you all to love it the way that I did, here it is for you all to enjoy!
|a mountain out of a molehill
January 24th, 2006
It has recently come to my attention that I couldn't be any gayer if I drank diet soda with star-shaped ice cubes out of a designer brand mug using a turqouise flexi-straw.
OH MY GOD IT IS TRUE!.
Okay, now that I've proved my full-fledged gayness, let's get down to the nittay grittay.
There, I said it. I feel as though everything I have to say about the movie will just invoke the Holy Wrath of The Gay Messiah and have Him (or Her) (or Both) smite upon my poor wretched soul using the jagged edge of a rainbow or with the terrible harmony of a thousand bedazzled harps.
I mean, really, this movie was not ground-breaking in any way whatsoever. Okay, so two married-with-children closeted homos have a long lasting affair (I do not recommend for anyone in this situation, folks)! Jake Gyllenhaal, who got his big break from, of all movies, The Day After Tomorrow, and not the more worthy October Skies or even The Good Girl with Jen of the trite Jen/Vince/Brad/Angie saga! Heath Ledger, who I could never forget as Conor from Fox's short-lived summer replacement medieval drama Roar awkwardly wielding his substitute-phallic sword around like he was on a quest to violently devirginize the Celtic lands singlehandedly. An Asian director (who is gay? I don't remember), who did not do that extraordinary of a job. i think there were more sincere emotions emanating out of a green steroid-muscled CGI behemoth in Hulk than out of these two main actors. :\
Also, I kind of feel like when a gay male movie is carried by its females in supporting roles, ( there is something there that begs to be examined.Collapse )
I am glad that in this particular situation, I did not spend $10.50 to go see the movie, but instead watched a DVD screener of it, feeling very much like part of the Academy. I think I will now wait with baited breath for the gay porn version, Bareback Mounting (although I do not condone wanton bareback sex for anyone!!!).
In conclusion, I can certainly see why everyone is gaga over Brokeback Mountain, and loves it to death, and has seen it like 18 times, but in the end, I would recommend Transamerica so much more. It was funny, it was sexy, it was prudish, and it had everyone's favorite housewive Lynette Scavo starring as an MTF tranny. GREAT. STUFF. And so much more Oscar-worthy, this.
Felicity Huffman is a woman playing a man playing a woman. It's so Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice without being boring!
What is your pick for Best Alternative Movie Starting With The Letter B ever?
Beautiful Thing. Is this the coming-of-age films from which all coming-of-age films should be born from?
Brokeback Mountain. Two men out to prove their unquestionable heterosexuality by trying their hardest to have the most awkward sex ever = Best Movie.
But I'm A Cheerleader! Eddie Cibrian in daisy dukes and tights. Mmmmm. RuPaul as a man. Rufio! Rufio! as a gay teen.
Beauty and the Beast. Mm hmm, if this movie wasn't advocating a furry lifestyle, I don't know what is.
|"white" "trash" party
January 17th, 2006
On this venerable weekend commemorating the Great and Honored Reverend Doctor, Esq. Martin Luther King, Junior, I learned something crucial for Life.
I bought a new desk a couple of weeks ago. It was on clearance for only $50, so of course I was all over it! It had been languishing in its box in my living room for the past week because after almost pulling my back and scraping my shins dragging it up one mere story to my place, I was just too scared to build it, knowing that inevitably, I would be in pain one way or another, during the course of construction.
Apparently, the instructions said "You must perform certain steps with a second person" but I was all, Whatever, I am a Man
without conviction!, if Martin Loofah could do his thang all on his own, so could I! Rosa Parks ain't got nothin' on me.
In conclusion, I have discovered that: My thighs are a second person. EAT THAT, HATERS!!!!!
I am also now proudly sporting twin parallel lines of cuts on my forearm, courtesy of Pieces No. J and K, aka the Keyboard Slide-Out components. I hate you, Pieces No. J and K! Well, it all worked out fine, because I was able to pull these scars off as accessories1 for the party I went to the next day!
My sole white friend, White Boy Dan (the object of many an LJ-friends fantasies) threw a party on Sunday, appropriately themed as a "White" "Trash" party.2
Requisite "White" "Trash" Accessories If You Were A Gay Man And Knew Nothing About Being "White" Nor "Trashy":
1. Fashionably "Paint-Splattered" Trucker Cap With High Quality Jesus-On-The-Cross Sticker
2. Country-Western-like Button-Up Shirt Artfully Turned Into "Ragged" Vest With Matching One-Hand Glove
3. Official "Special Olympics" T-Shirt To Represent The Tragic Consequences of Inbreeding and Such.
4. Country Fair Blue Ribbon Proudly Displayed on Lapel
5. Glittering USA Tattoo On Neck to Signify Proudness To Be An American
6. Shark Tattoo Swimming In A Sea of Farm-Tanned Upper Arm.
100% Grade A USDA Approved Authentic, right???
SOP IT UP LJ READERS. I HUNG OUT WITH THE WHITE PEOPLE! ( PROOF HERE. CLICK NOW BEFORE IT"S ALL GONE!Collapse )
1 Because everyone knows contracting gangrene, tetanus, rheumatism and/or rabies via construction wounds are all part of the "White" "Trash" schtick.
2 Please note quotes around both "White" and "Trash." As I am neither, I opted for incredulous fabulousness to make up for everything I lacked.
|belated new years eve post
January 13th, 2006
Because I'm thoroughly tardy when it comes to some things, here is my belated new years post!
It is so hard to break habits. This is never more clear as when a new year rolls around again.
I spent pretty much all of the last half of 2005 training myself to write the number 5 the "classic" way: down, clockwise curve, then the upper dash, instead of the ragtag way I do it, which is basically a bastardized "S". I only did it because I started noticing how ugly my 5s looked, and after a 5 minute session of determing which was the best way to write the number 5, I decided on the "classic" way.
Last year, it was all the way into February before I stopped writing #/##/04 for dates. We've rolled into the first Friday the 13th of the year and I'm still writing 05 like I'm PETA giving out nickels on the snail mail. Let's see how long before I get into the habit of writing 06 and how long it'll take to break that particular habit.
On another note, for the new year, I just bought a gel wrist pad rest for both the keyboard and the mouse for work yesterday, and today, I have dribbled honey mustard on both already. It is so hard to get stains out of spandex! Ugh! Over it.
Also for the new year, I geniously decided to change my password. I now need to log in 3 times before I am able to type in my new, correct password to about 14 different sites. RATS!
For a "new outlook" on the new year, I got myself new glasses. Let me tell you! I've had them for a few weeks now and I'm still not used to them. I've had my plastic geeky glasses for almost 4 years so I'm totally attached to it. :\ These new ones are not really exactly what I wanted, but I guess they'll do for now!
Anyway, to unveil my new glasses, here are pictures from the New Years party I went to which was not quite funky fresh until me and my posse arrived (almost 2 hours late).
Rejected Male Models for United Colors of Benetton.
( Dick"s Rockin" New Years EveCollapse )
Anywayhow, on a mostly unrelated note:
1. Why in the world is Beyonce Check On It featuring Slimm Thugg at #3 on the Hot 100 this week and on its way to #1? It's like a really inferior Crazy In Love Part 3 and it is not good. :\
2. Since their second single is entitled Stickwitchu, wouldn't it have made sense for The Pussy Cat Dolls to have named their (stolen) debut single Doncha or some other such verbal abomination? (I don't know, it sounded good in my head...)
3. So over at the You Lose Playground aka LJ Flame Cup, it has just come to my attention that someone had done a flame of me. Can you believe it? Why? Who am I to anyone on LJ? Anyways, here it is:
I want to be offended, but I am not. :(
See, I myself had just found out a few days ago I wasn't a black woman, but I was hoping no one else would notice. Thanks a lot Anonymous Hater, for ruining my secret!!!!! And for being an ignorant racist! No one says "Oriental!!" :(
I hope this terrible ordeal has not shattered anyone's illusions. Just hold on, there will be tomorrow.</center>
So after this terrible ordeal, do you still believe that Joshua is a black woman?
Yes! His weave is too fly to be anything but a foxy mama!
Yes! He has a cute face, chubby waist, thick legs, in shape, rump shakin', both ways, make you do a double take!!!!
No. He is nothing but a stnkin' oriental, and by that I mean he is a rug that has been pooped on by a dog! PS Mariah sux!
January 9th, 2006
We all make mistakes. At some point in their lives, everyone lies in bed awake at night thinking of the wrongs they have done and how just one different move or choice could have changed it all.
( Really long exposition on mistakesCollapse )
Except for a few cursed remnants, I have basically stricken from life almost all evidence of this unfortunate faux pas. Today, I show you a sample of these remnants.
A few of you have seen this already, but here it is in all its glory. The (ahem) only reason I grew my hair out:
Click on the picture to watch the video where you can kind of see the atrocity that is my hair.
PS What's up with the Mr. Fantastic arms?
As you can tell from the picture, and the video of the Super Gaysian Megamix Extended Medley Dub Mixshow Edit, I was so hardcore gangsta! Heck, I sweated 40s and I always got 5 on it! And it's always a good day when I don't even need to use my AK.
No, I am not a rapper. I did this to entertain a really gay audience, and for an excuse to do a mutilated dance to Beyonque's Crazy In Love, and to bring Bobalicious, MC extraordinaire, to life.
( Bobalicious & The Pearls Of The OrientCollapse )
January 4th, 2006
My quest to become the next Barbra Streisand is in full swing!
1. I've done the rags-to-riches thing so. many. times.
2. I put a big crack through my bathroom mirror that other day when I had a Christina-Aguilera-Beautiful moment and so now my Mirror Has Two Faces.
3. I have suffered greatly from chronic stage fright, only to overcome it, with the help of one-way mirrors, much to the awe and delight of my audience!
3. So check this, the other day, I went up to my girl Donna because our sisterly friendship was all torn apart because of some man and we both agreed No More Tears for really and that Enough Is Enough Is Enough!
4. Both Rosie O'Donnell (pre-mohawk) and Richard Simmons (post-hair grafts) worship me.
5. I've been a man playing a woman playing a man in order to gain knowledge of the sacred Talmud. Seriously.
Anyway, the next step in this Feats of Daring Emulation is to win awards. LOTS OF THEM! Hey, if Barbra has won Grammys, Oscars, Tonys and Emmys, why can't I? Right???
Let's start things off with this.
Nominate me please! <3
Deadline: Tuesday, January 10, 2006
If you have been entertained by my journal, or have been touched by an angel named Joshua, or have become really really gay thanks to the liquid flames in my words, vote for me please! http://2006.bloggies.com/ is the URL and basically you just scroll down and vote for me wherever you see fit.
I would love to be nominated in "Most Humorous" blog as my boyfriend does not think I am funny, and this would totally prove him wrong. There is also a "Best Tagline" of a weblog, and if you like mine: "Hotter Than A Poptart Fresh Out The Toaster!", well, there you go! Someone has to take up the nasty fort as Kimberley Jones is in jail, bless her stained soul. And, in case you did not know, I am gay (yes I am!) and so I am eligible for "Best GLBT" blog.
Also, as much as I would love to be "Best Asian" blog, alas, they only want blogs that are based in Asia, and mine ain't. (I'm from California if anyone has ever wondered.)
Anyway, there you have it. The Bloggies! One more tiny step into Barbra-dom. We'll see how far it gets me as there are like over 50 million blogs out there now! Geeeez. I'd love to be a finalist, but I think I'd need like an audience of 500+ passionate gung-hos within my grasp.
God, I have not sold myself this hard since that one time when I tried to have pro-gay legislation passed by offering myself to a few of them righteous right-wingers in Kentucky...!
Speaking of gay:
You know you are gay when...
You don't have songs, you have anthems.
You know you are really gay when...
You have more than 5 anthems.
What should be added into Joshua's ever-growing stable of Anthems to... change it up a bit?
Smashing Pumpkins' Bullet With Butterfly Wings. "Despite of my rage I am still just a rat in a cage!!"
Paula Cole's Where Have All The Cowboys Gone. "I will do the laundry if you pay all the bills. Where is my John Wayne?"
Too $hort's So You Wanna Be A Gansta. "Since he was young, homeboy won't back down,
'cause real gangsters always hold that frown!!"
Sarah McLachlan's Fear. "Wind in time rapes the flower trembling on the vine?!!??!?"
Whitney Houston's Queen Of The Night. "I've got more than enough to make you come to your knees 'cause I'm the queen of the night!!!!"
|The Year In Songs!
December 30th, 2005
Joshua's Super-Duper Pre-Official Mega-Sapphire You-Will-Listen-And-Love Top 10 Songs Of The Year Chart Rundown
1. Mariah Carey
Without The Emancipation of Mimi, gay men and their followers everywhere would never have had the chance to use such witty throw-it-in-your-faces as "Them chickens is ash and I'm lotion," "I just gotta shake, shake, shake yer off," and the fairyest of them all: "She'll never be MC!" Thanks to Mariah, every time I saw an awkward person in one of the many County Fairs I attended this past summer, I was able to emancipatingly proclamate how that person was "feeling all out of their element!" Amen!
As Mariah frolicks in the park with her cyrogenic dog, Jack, looking like Dolly Parton Cum What Mae while eating giant cakes in the shape of, among other things, herself and the # 17, and then washing it down with the same Cristal she uses in her 14 humidifiers, haters and naysayers everywhere choke on her award-winning trail of dust and glitter.
Highlight: In literally the last week of this year, her album becomes the best selling album of 2005. Flan-tastic!
( The rest in no particular order:Collapse )
In conclusion, I am gay.
Who needs the gay-o-meter that is the Kinsey Scale when you could just look at a person's music collection to figure it out? <3
Also, I am curious what your guys' favorite songs were. Tell me 1)What songs you loved from this year and 2) What you think of my selections. :P
|the holigays wrap-up!
December 30th, 2005
I had my annual physical yesterday. And then the doctor told me I should think about joining Weight Watchers. WHAT THE HECK ahahahahaha I would have been laughing so hard if my subconscious wasn't working overtime telling me so hard to be concerned and/or ashamed.
What I learned from this experience: It is really uncomfortable to be kickin' it right there in your underwear while a dirty old man wearing a stained and threadbare pink dress shirt scrutinizes you. It is also uncomfortable to get up off a plastic bed lined with cheap paper when your thighs stick THROUGH THE PAPER to the plastic bed. :(
In any case, it's a new year in a couple of days! I may as well make some resolutions, which I seldom do. I just never seem to really follow them. I make up my mind when there's a need. And right now, I need a drive, or I'm going to fall off the wayside. God that sounds so morbid! Ahahaha lame.
Also, since he's told me to cut down on carbs, all I can seem to dream about is carbs. I could barely fall asleep last night because the only thing on my mind was Carbs! Carbs! Carbs! It was nightmare-ish. As you all may know, I am Asian. Therefore, I eat rice, and noodles, and bread, and cakes, and potatoes, and candy, and sugar, and every other carb-ish item in the culinary world. And not only eat, but eat.
Of course, with my mind set on at least lowering my carb intake, my heart (aka my mouth) does what it wants, and here we go, here we go again, I overate on rice for lunch today. Yearrghh... GOD STRIKE ME DEAD AND SPARE US. GOD I AM SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN! PLEASE!!!
Just kill me now, pls.
( )~*~Christmas dilemma~*~(Collapse )
Onward with life!
Further proof that the holigays, I went to a Christmas party potluck the week before. Surprisingly enough, even with the presence of Nanny 911, I still had fun! It must have been the presence of Rui's personal bringalong Karaoke machine. I brought cookies that Mrs. Fields would have been proud of.
Anywayhow, what's a mixed race get-together without racially divided pictures, huh??? ( Nothing, I tell you!Collapse )
PLS. STOP TEXT MESSAGING ME.
IT COSTS ME 5 CENTS TO RECEIVE A TEXT MESSAGE.
I KNOW YOU JUST RANDOMLY WANT TO DIAL ME UP EVERYDAY TO "-HUGZ-" OR WISH ME "HAPPY *INSERT HOLIDAY HERE FOLLOWED BY A SEMI-WITTY SENTENCE*" BUT PLEASE STOP. THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU ALL!
1. Happy New Year to all!
2. Found in a Chinese restaurant's menu:
IF YOU ENJOY THIS FOODS, TELL YOUR FRIENDS KNOW.
3. I also did my very first Oh No They Didn't post here!. 400 comments in 4 pages. I win. (Well, half of them were of me replying...)
|festive drag queens!
December 19th, 2005
Why upon first waking this morning did I receive not one but two messages from black folk asking me for dat "nasty" song from Trina like I'm some sort of 7-11-like reservoir for the Queen of Miami?
Mandingle04: heyRolling right along... Friday night, before all this bittorential rain (thank god!!), I brought a group of 14 peoples to squire the THIRD row of the infamous Herbst Theatre (Yes, the same place where Bobalicious was tiara'd) to watch The Kinsey Sicks' Holiday Show Oy Vey In A Manger. See bootleg picture below for reference.
Mandingle04: what was that nasty trina song
osagej5: i dont know
EboniezOG: what was the name of that trina song
EboniezOG: nasty one
osagej5: dunno sorry
What is better than a singing drag queen? FOUR singing drag queens!!!! (And me)
The show was dazzling! It really couldn't be any gayer if everyone on stage was made entirely out of 14 karat gold lamé and hot pink feathers.
There was a bit too much of the Jews/Gentiles jokes thrown in, most of which, as a secluded and yellow-power-split-tongue-spoken-word-urban-outfitted Gayzn like myself, went right over my steaming head, but the wit! The extravaganza! The glamour! The glittering lip lacquer! It was all too much! Not only this, but these queens could SANG. They hit notes like they was Reindeer-shaped piñatas!!! And most all, their harmonies were tight! Tight like my *u***o**! Oh! For their finale, they did a parody of We Are The World entitled We Arm The World and by golly, between the four of them, they sounded like an auditorium full of 80s pop singin' has beens! It was quite magical, really.
Anyway, the fella who played Trixie, the blonde haired one (although at our show, she was a black-haired beauty), goes to my gym! Ahahaha, I see him doing calf squats all the time (for those stilletos, you know). We're like BFFs now, seriously!
Now onward with the real star of the show!
Sooooo hot, right??? (Oh yeah, please note people in background, they kind of matter too!) Also, be aware that with my one body, I was able to block five people from being shown.
( Click here for more gender bending fun and excitement!!!Collapse )
Speaking of drag queens, DRAT THIS COLD WEATHER AND ME BEING SO BEAST-LIKE! I spent a painful 45 minutes tweezing my eyebrows on Friday before the show, and seriously, on Sunday, I looked at my brows and they were totally raggedly forest-like! I was like, Okay pine needles!!! G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T. of my face! :( Whatever!
Joshua is very beast-like. If he were an animal, what kind of animal would he be?
A lavender and pink Lisa Frank® Dancing Bear!!
A HAIRY BEAST OF SOME SORT! :(((
A magical unicorn with a rainbow tassled tail, a shimmery golden bridle and musical hooves!!!!
Well that's just trickery! It wasn't my last poll after all! And you know why?!?!?!?
Will everyone please hop over to speedkillscats's journal and give her big wet Merry Christmas kisses for me please? She is da bomb!!!
Look at that! I dare you to tell me she isn't!
|since i been gone!!!
December 13th, 2005
Here's the thing, we started out friends. It was cool but it was all prete-end! Yeah yeah, Since U Been Gone. (I would like to write a Tony award winning play in which those three sentences above are used in dialogue at least once.)
Anyways, Since I Been Gone, so many things have happened!
Let's see, what have been the more significant thangs... Oh god, nothing really. :( A lot has happened, but too much for me to lay it all down ritt now.
1. I turned 25! My BF bought me the hugest cake ever. It was like full sheet size and he got it straight from the factory.
( Cut the cakeCollapse )
2. I re-enacted A Day In The Life of a Poor and Destitute Child in Somalia, and stretched this Oscar® nomination worthy performance out to over four weeks!
Yes, I had it all: uncontrollable explosive diarrhea complete with sore anuses; a bloated stomach courtesy of kwashiorkor; out-of-body experiences like those induced by desert-type fevers and maladies; heck, I even had flies kickin' it on my eyelids!!! :( I was seriously a mess. You know, as a gay man with a desire to be black, this is not the way I really envisioned my transition into ghetto-fabulousness. I was thinking more along the lines of donning an embroidered choir robe and pickin' out a fro or something. Also, I haven't gone to the gym in a month and my neck is almost gone!!! I am glad it is scarf season.
The worst part is that I still have a lingering illness now. It's so irritating, really. I'm all, Bacterias! Viruses! G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T. of my body pls! Now!!!
3. I am getting new glasses! Finally! I needed to retire this Drew Carey looka while ago for reals. I'm so over it. Every time I see my reflection in the mirror, I'm all, OMG my face is so played out!!! So yeah, I'm going for the new trendy half-framed look, but with the massive width of my face, it is hard to find cute glasses. :(
( New Glasses!!Collapse )
4. In conclusion, thank you to everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday on LJ land! Ian, Michael and someone else who I can't remember. I am sorry, pls. remind me who you are!!! You may be forgotten, but in my heart of hearts, there is still love there!!! <3 <3 <3 And this person, I am happy to say, is none other than the redhead who rules my heart, Tom!
Also, I have missed you all so dearly! So, so, so dearly.
In conclusion II, ( one of my last polls! Awwww...Collapse )
|confessions on a livejournal!
November 3rd, 2005
Before we all found out that Badlands does not care about black people®, you could find me bustin' a move up in there.
I remember this one night, I was just groovin' there, minding my own business while cutting a rug to Atomic Kitten's Love Doesn't Have To Hurt (Love To Infinity Remix), when I saw this post-menopausal lady with a drink in one hand clutching her canvas purse in the other while "getting down" with a group of vibrating, emaciated gay boys.
She had the distinctive look of one of those secretaries who worked her whole life in nondescript offices: poorly-bleached short feathered hair falling on a line-etched forehead; eyes framed by clumpy mascara that signaled a woman who has been forced to live through each day twice, or more; nicotine streaked teeth with lipstick stains telling of one too many kids, five too many regrets, and 20 too many pounds.
A dandelion in a field full of weeds, she stood out in a sea of sweaty, half-clothed homos, cutting a wide swath as she gyrated awkwardly to the pounding bassline. It turns out she was the mother of one of the starvlings and she was attempting to "share in his life" or some such thing. More power to her, I say! As uncomfortable as that made many of the patrons, myself included (it's like foot worshipping Jesus in front of the Virgin Mother!), it was also a victory of sorts for us.
Madonna's new album leaked yesterday. As I listen to this album, visions of this middle-aged lady with her umbrella raving with a bunch of kids creep into me slowly. O, Madge! She's like the little old Church lady who goes clubbing with her gay grandson after service while still in her Church outfit made of immaculate synthetic fibers and then gets sloppy drunk and breaks an arm falling off a horse or something! When I listen to Confessions on a Dancefloor, I can't help but think her Kabbalactic name should have been PolyEsther instead.
Madonna confesses: This one time, I almost drowned in disco lights!
Because I know most of y'all are not gay nor care about Madonna, ( click Here for my confessions!Collapse )
What should Joshua name his first-born son?
|Halloween Eve !
October 30th, 2005
Question: Was Halloween actually Christmas because this little pimp, Deacon Dr. Fadeproof Tricktickler McRim, Esq. III, was in total heaven surrounded by the Greatest Love Of All!
Tick tick tock it's a quarter to two!
|truths and lies, a bifauxgraphy
October 24th, 2005
Below are 10 statements about me. Five of them are fabricated, and the other five are true. Whoever can guess which are truths and which are lies wins! Real life friends may or may not be eligible, depending.
- I am going to be a father in 3 months via the artificial insemination of one-half of a lesbian couple I have never met living 2,000 miles away.
- I am a 3% royalty shareholder for the publishing rights to Digable Planets' Rebirth Of Slick (Cool Like Dat).
- I have had a pizza thrown at my face on the street by someone I did not know upon leaving a club after a night of bumpin' and grindin'. It was pepperoni and cheese.
- According to the government, I am legally disabled.
- In first grade, my classmates thought I was killed by a monster and for half a day, everyone who saw me thought I was an undead zombie until the nun intervened and beat me for perpetuating a blasphemous lie.
- I have not cried in front of somebody in over 10 years. The only times I have cried in the last 10 years have been while watching Oprah or movies about the Holocaust.
- I'm not a girl, not yet a woman.
- I have performed on stage at Showtime At The Apollo, being narrowly beaten by some skinny little black kid who did some bootsy ol' dance to I Need A Girl Remix Part 2 or some such nonsense.
- I own every single commercially-released CD single Madonna has ever released in the US.
- There are naked photos of me floating around the internet.
Girls Aloud - Biology.
Please download this song. It's so freaking awesome.
Like a rabid chihuahua biting you in the behind, this is pop at its sassiest and frothiest and catchiest. It's like Mandy Moore (before she turned all actress starring in syrupy-ballads-in-the-form-of-movies on us) and Xtina Aguilera (before she turned all Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence on us) having a pillow fight while giggling. It's like you're 12 all over again and all your friends have graduated to Slam Books and dark lipstick and you still want to play Girl Talk and Electric Fashion Mall and watch Aladdin for the 26th time.
|hung up on trite hairstyles
October 23rd, 2005
First: Question, is there some sort of clause stating that female pop stars currently starring in GAP's "Favorite" advertisements need to have awful hair?
Alanis Morissette, in the video for her cover of Seal's Crazy, sports a 'do alarmingly and unnecessarily similar to something Michelle Williams from Destiny's Child is trying to pass off as "cute" in Beyonce's new video for Stand Up For Love, the "last Destiny's Child song ever!!" It's horrid, this concoction of awful, heavy, layered bangs and tired feathering framing the face.
Are these distressing tresses GAP's clever marketing ploy to displace attention from their sordid and dark manufacturing secrets tucked inside rusty buildings in Angor and Bangladesh. Is GAP a throwback to the Homeowner's Associations of yore and Michelle and Alanis are merely tragic lawns stuck in some cheesy 70s carwash flick? Did these two female artistes learn the true meaning of "Fall Into The Gap" and now regret it? I don't really care, as long as I can continue buying my shirts quintiple mark-down on sale for $3.97.
Note the mascara streaming down Michelle's fake. How extra trashy!
Secondly, Madonna has a new album coming out. Please hold while I celebrate.
Okay. Have you guys called 1-800-2-CONFESS yet? Please call in and give me a shout-out. You can listen to it podcasted on IPOD or ITUNE or whatever Apple is calling their ISUCK stuff now. They are so weird/creepy. The first confession you hear: "Hi Madonna, my confession is that I'm in love with Stephen, and he is not in love with me, so I'm just trying to edify our relationship and make it a form of edification."
n : uplifting enlightenment
And no, I did not call in 2-CONFESS this. I did call in 2-CONFESS, but this wasn't mine. I swear.
Anyways, for those who don't have it yet, and you must be (choose 3 of the following) 1) not gay, 2) computer illiterate, 3) dumb, 4) a hater, or 5) honest (???!) to not have it, here is Madonna's new song for you to download.
Madonna - Hung Up (Album Version)
I wasn't feeling it at first, but as I am a lushing alcoholic when it comes to les liquores of the divas, it has now won me over like it was carrot cake and today was my birthday! (Which it's not, it's actually November 25, coming up in a month, ahem.) In any case, with a very generous slice of ABBA's Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) (and let's face it, I'm that type of gay man that can't resist the use of excessive punctuation marks in titles, including parentheses and exclamation points), a huge dollop of vocoder on the vocals (Oh to have a mobile vocoding device upon my person at all times), and an RPM like manic buttercream icing (good for those lazy days on the Precor), this is one cake I couldn't resist after a while.
To sum up this post, here's Alanis' remake of Crazy and Michelle's remake of Let's Stay Together, both off the GAP Favorites CD, or something.
Yesterday was mine and Stephen's 3 month mark. We both forgot. In memoriam of this mind slip, here is Mariah's new song, Don't Forget About Us.
( She"ll never be MC!!Collapse )
Guess how much Joshua weighs!!!
|nationalized coming out
October 12th, 2005
I believe yesterday was National Coming Out Day. This day, in my opinion, is inherently ridiculous. Forcing people to come out is dumb. People should do it when they're good and ready. They shouldn't feel as though the whole nation is pressuring them to come out. It's dumb. And what is the point of it? It's not like everyone who comes out on National Coming Out Day is automatically accepted by whoever they come out to by default of an instructional holiday. If you don't come out, there is little chance you will be pinched, but if you come out before you really should, by dictation of a government (??) sanctioned commemoration day, you might get punched. If National Coming Out Day guaranteed a protective safety shield for all those who utilize the day and take it literally, then that's a different story. Otherwise, it's like having Gay Day at Great America. It's not really for much.
I think National Latino AIDS Awareness Day is much more useful. Although, shouldn't it be SIDA?
Anywayhow, I present to you an oldie but goodie to commemorate belatedly and to instill within your psyche in case there was any doubts:
Mm hmm, that's right. Recognize and a half! My lovin'! You're never gonna get it...
These past few days, the buzz among Madonna fans was that Apple was announcing they were going to be Coming Out with a pink Madonna Ipod that included her whole catalog already programmed in. It would definitely not have been a Nano, or Apple would be lying when they say "entire Madonna catalog." If this were the case, I would almost have maybe ended my Apple boycott with this revelation, but alas, as Brandy has gurgled to us all, Almost Doesn't Count.
Instead, what's Coming Out is a Video Ipod. Now who in the world wants to watch a freakin' video on a teensy weensy screen? That's dumb. And since when did people have to pay for music videos? Hello, Kazaa? Limewire? Launch? Heck, MTV.com? Or Tivo?? Dumb. People are just burning their money. Then again, these are the same people who pay for downloading songs off Itunes. I am not hating. I swear.
Little Known Fact: The argyle in my layout was stolen from a Madonna photoshoot for Vanity Fair in 1992 where I guess she was trying to be all channeling Ms. Blue-Eyed Soul Dusty Springfield, except her titties are all Coming Out while she rode on a Rocking Horse with a big bouffant. Seriously, these pictures are so Pedophile's Fantasy. How positively naughty!
Click here to see my layout's inspiration. Careful, bare Madonna breasts in link.
( More Coming Out Celebrations!!!Collapse )
What Britney Spears song should be the National Theme Song for National Coming Out Day?
Someday (I Will Understand). "Someday I will understand God's whole plan, and what he's done to me. Someday I will breathe and I'll finally see... See it all in my baby?"
Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman. "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. All I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I'm in between."
Me Against The Music. "Sexy lady! I'd rather see you bare your soul. If you think you're so hot, better show me what you got!"
Autumn Goodbye. "We'll leave behind the summertime, our hearts, our minds. They will remind; we won't forget the day we met, the day we cried: Autumn Goodbye!!!"
E-Mail My Heart. " I know you're out there and I know that you still care. E-mail me back and say our love will stay alive forever... E-mail my heart!!!
I Got That (Boom Boom). "Boom, boom, boom. Boy, you look so sexy! Boom, boom, boom. Boy, you look so sexy!"
|totally delayed by exploitation
October 11th, 2005
You need to update yo' LJ cuz I'm tired of your tired @$$ Thursday entry!
As Celine Dion proclaims in the soundtrack to Stuart Little 2: I'm Alive!
My last post was posted the last time before today that the date was a double same-digit number!!! This was last month! Talk about lag.
I think the struggle I went through to think of nice things to say about all y'all done did to me what my mama does to her baked goods occasionally, or what happened to Aaliyah's light, way too soon (Rest In Peace Baby Grill!): Burnt Out. No, I'm kidding. It was a very felicitious and pleasurable thing to do, except for those people who should have known better than to comment and ask me to say something about them when I done barely even know who they be is was, nor would I even have one nice thang to say about them. You know who you is.
Actually, I have been busy at work (where most of my LJ updating occurs). I think somehow the Work Fairies here know I am attemping to look for a new job and therefore are totally circumventing my efforts or something! I am not being paranoid.
Anywayhow, like every other gay/Asian/phile on LJ, I will now be proclaiming my excitement and lust over the upcoming Memoirs of a Geisha. Irregardmore, I'm probably not going to be seeing it in the theatre anyways, unless by some strange stroke of luck, I win the "Hey, look at us! We're Exploiters of the Asians in Asia with our Sweatshops!!!!! And we are totally okay with it and so should you!!!" Sweepstakes to win a trip to the Movie Premiere and 7 days in Japan put on by Banana Republic. I doubt it. Proclamation Colorbar:
OMG WHO ELSE IS TOTALLY EXCITED FOR THIS MOVIE!?!? I love Ziyi Zhang ("Zhang Ziyi" to Americans from when before she learned how to speak Engrish) and when Chinese ppl plays Japanese ppl who speak English ppl! Is Love!
More substantial post, coming right up!
What is the real reason Joshua delayed on his LJ posts?
Mariah was once again "checked in for exhaustion" and, well, someone needed to jet around the world and hold down the Diva Fort in such avenues as "Wetten Das," "National Lottery" and "Blue Peter."
Instead of posting on his LJ, he's been posting on his BF.
His job as Hem Stitcher at the Sweat Shop proved too much for his delicateness and for a while, his imperial concubine fingers have been rife with unendurable rheumatic pain akin to the suffering caused by bound feet, and he has just barely recovered.
Because you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
September 22nd, 2005
Yesterday was my 2nd Month Anniversary with Stephen. I swear it's felt like so much longer. And that's not a bad thing! I am writing about it right now because I totally forgot to bring my camera and I feel like, I didn't take pictures of it, it never happened!!! So, I need to commemorate it somehow.
We started off with an early dinner at The Slanted Door. The prices were kind of steep, the waiters all looked the same (shaved head with about a 5-day growth of fuzz, finely sculpted facial hair, jutting rib cages and adam's apples, and an air of pretention harkening to high-level prostitutes whose clients include elderly oil empire tycoons and personal assistants to former glamour icons), and water was $8.00 (!!!!!?!?!?!?!??!?!). The food was not too bad for such a place, the decor was certainly exquisite, the bathroom sink was seamlessly Sunset magazine in its design, and best of all, they did not mess up the pork as faux-Asian restaurants tend to do!!!! Oh, and the company was nice. :P
We then headed over to Ghirardelli Square for some ice cream and got Princess Parking. Awesome! We shared a banana split wherein I substituted the chocolate ice cream with Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Next time, I am substituting all three flavors (vanilla, strawberry, chocolate), with three completely different and exotic flavors (Thai ladyboy, Vietnamese madame, and Filipino jeepney driver seem like they might taste good.)
We then recapped with a summary of our two month relationship.
On another subject, it's always fun to find ironic juxtapositions on your Friends list.
( Click Here For ExampleCollapse )
Speaking of LJ Friends, you guys = best. Through you, I have learned so much. I've laughed, cried, and snorted water all over my keyboard too many times to count. So, in taking leaves out from the pages of my hoodrat hoodrat hoochie mamas!, past and present, I will be presenting a bunch of self-serving surveys for you all. Take what you will but don't make a mess. Pick which one you want me to do for you!
A. Reply with your first name and I will respond with the following:
- What diva you most remind me of and why.
- A song title by a diva that encapsulates the way you look. (If I don't know what you look like, you can either post a picture in the comment or I will just try and imagine.)
- A single word that I would use to describe you.
B. Reply with your first name and I'll reply with something I like about you.
C. Ask me any question and I just might answer it!
|superstars at AsiaSF
September 13th, 2005
Human beings continually amaze and astonish me on a daily basis.
Take for instance, Helen Keller. Now this wench, I don't know even know what her deal is. I'm sorry, but if I was born blind, deaf, and mute, I would for reals just kill myself or hope my parents done mercykill me before my consciousness came into fruition or something. Forget learning how to communicate and express ideas, let alone going the lecture circuit route like I was an MTV's Real World alum. Yeah, I'm lazy like that.
|I've been watching you, watching me, and I know you want it. But it depends on how you Kick Your Game!|
I wouldn't be like Sarah Michelle Gellar Golden Globes®-worthy turn as "Sober Sister" in Scream 2 and try and fight back a masked knife-wielding murderer. I'd be like, I am too exhausted to be running up and down stairs like this, just kill me kthx. I'd totally be a black folk, and just die in the first 15 minutes. Heck, off me before the credits finish rolling, please! Anywayhow, let me stop disgusting myself with the concept of my own indolence.
Another shiney example of Amazingly Astonishing Human Beings would be the midget lady that works in my building. Life handed her shortness, and instead of bowing down to this endowed limit, she chooses to not only work with what she's got, but to make a profit out of it! Now that's admirable behavior!
Those who know me know my avid interest in the little pockets of life, and the lint that forms and lingers within them. Basically, if I were Mariah, handicaps and uniquity would be my hiss-singing and Cristal.
So it was with great excitement that I accompanied Stephen to his coworker's Bachelorette party at AsiaSF, known for their "world famous gender illusionists" who "double as the waitstaff", this past Friday. We split into two separate parties, because apparently AsiaSF adheres to the Drag Queen Mindset when it comes to glitter, mascara and heel inch of "Everything should be done exponentially!" and so if the party exceed a certain number, food prices would rise accordingly and exponentially. As if! Anyways, imagine the bill for four people, if you will. Nope, more! $300.00!!!!@!$!! It's enough to make one get all Missy Elliot featuring Ciara and Fatman Scoop up in the place and just Lose Control!
If I were straight, I would totally go for her like all the way. She was my crush for the night!
We sat in the bar area, which was perfect, as I was directly in front of the space of the catwalk/bar where the performing ladies seemed to always do the part of their routine wherein they squat-then-spread their legs open (a dance move I perfected a long time ago, I would just like to add, way before Paula Abdul ever had her chance to whip her hair around with the Lakers, please!!!). Anyways, onto pictures of my sistas.
( These girls are totally of the black first names, Asian last names party!!Collapse )
The food was all looks and not much substance, much like some of these "world famous gender illusionists" who "double as the waitstaff", with their 50 pounds of horsehair, feathers and sequins, lipsynching to divas. NO HATING OF GENDER ILLUSIONISTS. I swear. I love them! Especially the performers type. But y'all know there are some, just like in every other facet of human sub-groupings, in which those-who-lack can be found. Mm hmm, that's right. In any case, Gender Illusionists is Love, I swear!! Someone make me a colorbar, STAT!
Meanwhile, here's my own colorbar. GHETTOOOO!!
Overpriced Food Is Tastefully Presented Love.
( The Wedding PartyCollapse )
Who is the best Gender Illusionist at AsiaSF?
Furnitureeka De Leon and her fake Milkshake
D'Yuremember Nguyen rollin' with Proud Mary
Aquanet Ng being all Dirrty
Janitte Jacquie Song "singing" If
Mascarawand Fong claiming I Love Rock & Roll
Phonographaquecia Niratpattanasai pretending she got Fever
Joshua Lim doing a 57-minute Divas Megamix Medley
|the complexities of being a mother
September 8th, 2005
Mmm, I love me some round chocolate thangs!
I'm about to start looking for a new job. It's time. I've already moved on from my current job. Well, I'm still here in body, but my heart has already said "No."
I have this nagging> feeling that the only reason I haven't transitioned myself into a new career/job/position is because of my mother's constant nagging of me to find a new job. Every time I see her, I swear she repeats the same 10 words over and over and over and over again.
( My Mother"s Son - A RantCollapse )
I'm thinking about all the different jobicial venues I can approach in this endeavor, and frankly, I am overwhelmed! There's so much I would want to do but it's always the start that's the most difficult, making that first step and all. And I feel like I know my strengths and weaknesses, but I'm still at a loss as to what kind of position I could realistically and feasibly apply for, be hired, and flourish in. So to you, all my LJ friends, please help and give me realistic suggestions of types of jobs and companies I should apply for! This is a serious request and I will take all answers seriously!!! :D Thank you! <3
In conclusion, thanks to mrsunshine309 for sharing this beautiful video and shining example of why it is exactly that I luuuuurve Celine Dion, the whitest white of French Canadia, who was once "a nappy headed little boy" and who's otherwordly skinniness is thankfully giving way to some much needed meat as evident by the flab under her arm.
I give to you, To Katrina, From Celine. The most poignant, most heartwrenching and by far, the campiest performance I have ever seen this side of Quebec from a woman who's anguish and sadness knows absolutely no bounds, much like my gayness.
( I open the television, there"s people still there waiting to be rescued!!!Collapse )
No "real poll" this time, as I need y'all to give me suggestions of jobs I should apply for, and what companies I should take a look at and other pertinent career-related infoz! I trust your judgements and opinions, and recognize that you are all intelligent and most importantly, a widely diverse group of people, and I welcome and anticipate your words of wisdom.
|divas all live and junk!
September 6th, 2005
My gayness, much like Celine Dion, SARS, and the unfortunate trend of baby bangs (why, God, why?), knows no boundaries. So it was to my absolute delight that these past couple of weeks was chock-full of divadomity.
First there was Wicked. I had seen this the last time it was in San Francisco, during its pre-Broadway run (basically, a really really expensive test rehearsal, though I did get to see it with the original cast of Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth!!!).
This whimsical musical is home to many of the things I hold dearest in my heart. Among them are bubbles, wheelchairs, tragically beautiful and beautifully tragic people, midgets, excessly extra syllabled words, happy endings, high notes, ugly outfits, and what's mostliest of all, bouts of jungle fevah! Mm hmm, word is bond!
This musical is also wherein can be found my most favorite lyrical couplet ever. (I am sure I am using "couplet" wrong here.) Are you ready for it?!!? It's during the musical number Dancing Through Life, which is about 15 minutes long and encompasses lots of awkward dancing and witty dialogue, an interchange between the paraplegically wheelchair bound Nessa and the short little munchkin Boq (pronounced "Bock"):
Nessa? Uh, Nessa,
I've got something to confess, a
reason why, well, why I asked you here tonight.
Now I know it isn't fair...
Oh I know why, Boq!
It's because I'm in this chair!
And you felt sorry for me!! Well, isn't that right?
Okay you had to be there... And see the sequence in which it happens, and also witness the contextual storyline before, and after. I swear, it's good.
Anywayhow, it was awesome, and it totally makes me want to become a superstar (as do many other things - makes me want to become a superstar, that is). I also met the actresses who played the lead girls - Glinda and Elphaba!!!!
This is Eden Espinosa; you can see lingering traces of her verdigree. Next to her is Joshua Lim; you can see lingering traces of his greasiness. Ms. Espinosa is insane. Her program bio states that she workshopped, performed, and then brought to Broadway, a musical she created herself (!!!!). I hate her. She also bears an uncanny resemblance to Idina Menzel, Taye Diggs' wifey and original Wicked Witch.
I also took Extremely Illegal and Strictly Forbidden® pictures of the curtain call. My friends were afraid I was going to be manhandled by the elderly female ushers and create a scene. They are glad this didn't come to fruitition.
( Wickedly Wicked Pictures of Wickedness!!Collapse )
And then, this past Saturday, it was totally Destiny Fulfilled... And Lovin' It! Yes, that is right. I saw Destiny's Child in concert. The worst part? It was Beyonce's Show. I mean, I definitely expected it. Disappointed? Yes. Shocked? No.
( Please click here for my rants and ravesCollapse )
Finally, I saw Latoya London perform this Sunday and then I met her and touched her! For those not in the know, Latoya was the 4th finalist of American Idol Season 3. She should have won, and not that troll Mantasia, but whateva. She is so beautiful in real life, and no matter what angle or how candid the pictures I took of her were, she still looked stunning. I hate her! :(
( Latoya London Wows Crowd!!Collapse )
Sorry this post was so long, but you know when I get all up into the subject of Divas, I go on and on and on, and like Mariah, I really Can't Let Go. Now if you're still here, and not too zonked out, take my poll! I'm going to try and go down the list of poll questions y'all had givened me in my previous post here. :D OMG Audience participation! I feel like Destiny's Child when they were singing Cater 2 U!!!!
Which Nick at Night headliner does Joshua identify with the most?
DJ Tanner of Full House - Because remember when she turned all anorexic and was only eating Ice Pops and was bangin' the treadmill, only to pass out at the gym and end with a hug from Daddy Tanner?? That's so Joshua sometimes!
Murphy Brown of Murphy Brown - Because sometimes he feels like a single mom raising an adopted child while fighting people in positions of power who can't spell to save their lives, and still strive to rock the news anchor's bouffant.
Roseanne Arnold of Roseanne - He, too, fights the battle of the bulge, bickers constantly with his sister(s), struggles with his love of writing, and has a mouth as big (or bigger) than his heart.
Carlton Banks of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air - Smooth moves (derived from idols like Tom Jones and Macaulay Culkin), forever a virgin, and mistaken for a sissy. Also, like Carlton, Joshua is just "the man behind the man." (Wink wink)
|Iron Chef BBQ!
August 29th, 2005
It's almost the end of summer, and for some reason, after a summer with BBQs and picnics in lack, these daytime outdoor parties are now sprouting up in full!
Last week was Jessica's B-Day Iron Chef BBQ at Lake Placid in Fremont. Theme ingredients? Oranges. Unfortunately, it wasn't orange season no more and thus, they were like $1.99 a pound or some such ludicrous price, so she ended up buying canned Mandarin Wedges in Light Syrup. It just wasn't the same... In any case, the food was still EXCELLENT, oh my goodness was it!, and this was mostly thanks to Karen and Dave's BUL GO GI (Which was actually KAL BEE we later found out) and my elite cooking skills.
Best thing about cooking is eating right off the grill. This is why I carried a fork with me for the whole day. Please take note, all.
Be prepared for cheesy picnic pictures behind the LJ-cut!
( Click Here To Appreciate Nature and BeautyCollapse )
Like Oprah's Wildest Dreams®, it's time for me to make your wildest dreams come true! Fill out the poll and give me some poll questions you would like for me to do and if you fill me up with proper religious spirirt, I will provide answers and post your poll as a poll! OMG HOW EXCITING! So do it!!! <3
What should Joshua's next poll question be?
|good day l.a.
August 24th, 2005
These past couple of weeks, I've been toting two chapsticks with me accidentally! They are the free ones I grabbed from the Travelocity booth at San Francisco Gay Pride a couple of months ago. They smell, taste and feel really good, Citrus Lip Balm. It's like having a Kool-Aid moustache without the Kool-Aid, so it's totally okay.
I went to LA last weekend with my Pops to go pick up my Momsicles. She's been there on vaca all summer I'm sure driving my oldest brother B-A-N-A-N-A-S with her suppressive matronly-ness that many Asian mothers are wont to do.
My brother has a nice little two bedroom flat, the only problem is, it's a block away from the "Bob Hope Airport" in Burbank, so y'all know I could hear the rumbling bass of a frikkin' Boeing all up in my grill three or more times every hour. You get used to it after a while, but man it was LOUD.
His bathroom sucked, too. I mean, really, it was obviously built for legless people! When I sat in the toilet, I literally had to cross my god dang legs. What's that all about, Alfie?!??
Reason # 58 Why Joshua Is The Way He Is:
This is my dad on the drive down to LA. He was too cheap to get transition lenses (which I highly DO NOT RECOMMEND for people my age who care about trendiness in any way) for his trifocals, so he bought a pair of $1.99 tacky sunglasses from, like, Walgreens or something, and then proceeded to wear them in conjunction with his glasses. My Personal Rainbow lost a color. :(
The highlight of my trip to LA?
Glimpsing upon, touching, caressing, then taking photographic evidence of the one star that really counted. I still feel a giddy kind of peace when I think back on it.
In looking at my friends list, I have determined that many of you harbor fetishes of old Asian people (if not so obviously, then [in vain] secretly). To celebrate this fact, and to turn a noun into a verb, I will now deluge you with pictures of my aging Asian parents in all their FOBy/Touristy glory! Gloreh! Well!
( Click Here To Appease FetishCollapse )
I am glad Paula did not take the Midnight Train to Georgia 52 years ago. Also, I love how the shadows make my thighs look REALLY skinny. It's very thinspiring.
This next poll is inspired by my boyfriend's friend, and on jypsyq's suggestion.
What is the best Black name for an Asian baby?
N'Da Margele Quan
Peace' (pronounced Fay-ah-say) Yu
Put your skillz to the test. Write in your own Blackanese name!
In fact, vote on a name AND make up your own! More fun for everyone!
|meat! meat! how i love meat!
August 21st, 2005
God it has been forever. Sorry - work is taking unprecedented amounts of time of LJing away from me. Can you believe it? I sho' cain't. I'm 'bouts to give my boss an ultimatum or something. Shoot!
I wanted to talk about this right after it happened, but I got distracted by food. I will tell now.
I went to a gay potluck with a bunch of gay people this past Thursgay. Ogay, so why I get there at 8:00 pm (when it starts, fully 1.5 hours past my stomach's suggested dinner time) and ain't no one there but some other dude who brought Sweet & Sour Chicken? I had to settle for having the host try to prove to me that Wong Kar-Wai's In The Mood For Love was "absolutely gorgeous." I am not a fan of Wong Kar Wai, I'm sorry to say. Happy Together bored me to tears and Chungking Express I turned off less than halfway through.
Anyways, once people started pouring in around 8:45, the food started rolling in. I was digging into the chicken, all, Mmmm and Yum! And then some dude came all up in my grill all, OMG, I feel so bad for chickens who have to die to become food for humans. And I'm like, What are you talking about? And he was like, Do you know the amount of suffering a chicken goes through before it is put on your plate? And me being the anti-militant-vegetarian that I am, incredulously claim, For your FYI, their suffering is what makes them taste better! And he was like, OMG, how about we torture you?
RIDIKULUS!!!! So I said back, That's dumb. Why would I eat myself? and shook my head and rolled my eyes to symbolize how absurd his retardation was. And then I tenderized him with a slab of pork loin.
Speaking of being anti-militant-vegetarian, here is a picture of me with one of my favorite food groups at the Santa Clara County Fair from the other weekend!
This little piggy is bulimic. He throws up into the white bucket.
I am TOTALLY a County Fair whore. In fact, my pimp thinks I am doing so well workin' it in the local counties, I am upgrading to State fair in a couple of weeks!!! I WIN! Ella Mae better grab on tight to Chuck or me and my exotic tigerlily scent are going to seduce him straight to Guang-Zhou!
Come follow as 2 Asians try to blend in ( 4 acres of Whiteness!Collapse )
Why does the caged bird sing?
Because music makes the people come together. Music makes the bourgeosie and the rebels. (WHAT, MADONNA, WHAT DOES THE MUSIC MAKE THE BOURGEOSIE AND THE REBELS???)
Because like Ursula the Witch, Joshua likes to live vicariously through golden-throated girls he keeps locked up under his expansive wings.
Because the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others.
Mmm... Fried chicken! I like it best when they beat the chicken black and blue first. It makes them juicy tender and perfect for KFC's 9 secret spices and herbs!
|focus on your child dot com!!!
August 11th, 2005
Attention parents and wannabe-parents!
Per focusonyourchild.com, you should know that homosexuality is a degenerative mental disorder!!
It was only removed as such a condition by the American Psychiatric Association through the flaming evilness and sheer will (and grace) of powerful demon-like homosexuals who built their insidious and conquering empires of pink dollars on a sinfully erotic foundation built sadistically from the sweat, blood and manjuice of many innocent heterosexuals!!!!!
Prevention is not easy, but giving birth wasn't no kind of joyride either. So just as you offspringed through pain to provide yourself with a model child, so too, you can help eradicate this epidemic of homosexuality through perserverance in the face of torture as only Satan can provide and a wholehearted belief in Jesus Christ Almighty can alleviate!!!!
So very nice of them to provide a "rainbow" of children for the banner. They are missing a couple of colors though...
( Dear focusonyourchild.com, is my child becoming homosexual!??!??Collapse )
Why exactly is Joshua gay?
Because as a 5 year old, he spent over a month trying to learn the dance moves to Thriller, and at age 9 was burning mini wooden crosses in homage to Madonna.
At age 6, he (erroneously?) thought that urine spouting in two directions from the penis, no matter how fleeting, meant that there were 2 sides in you - the boy and the girl side, and this happened to him one time so he was like “OMG I am gay.”
Because he preferred Mango ice cream above all others!!!!!
He's not. It's all an elaborate ruse to get to the woman of his dreams - and this is all on film!!!
|shopping stupidity and stephen
August 8th, 2005
You know what I've realized? I've become the hugest County Fair whore ever. I went to another one on Saturday. :( I will do a report on it in a later post.
Anywayhow, I went to Valley Fair in San Jose on Saturday afternoon. I love that mall! The Banana Republic there is soo The Bachelor with their high ceilings, fancy lighting and grand staircase. Next time I go, I will bring a rose with me.
I like to force my friends to dress up in glitzy outfits so I can take blackmail pictures of them. This is Choi-Yee. She is the Breakdown Diva I mentioned a few posts ago. Here she is in the midst of another breakdown, I think Satan done possessed her this time!!
( More Shopping Frenziness!!Collapse )
Afterwards, we ended up at what used to be known as Tango Tango, but is now known as Encore Lounge, or some such generic name. It's a karaoke bar. It was fun. Almost everyone was hecka good.
( Click here for pictures of superstars!!!Collapse )
|gilroy garlic festival and/or bust
August 1st, 2005
I went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival on Saturday. It only made sense to. I love garlic. I love festivals. So, ergo, I must love Garlic + Festivals, right? WRONG. Ugh.
First of all, it was like 120 degrees in the inland of California, and in an air-conditioned car, I was still damp like rotten rice. It really didn't help that I was wearing a long sleeved baseball T. So sue me, I was trying to avoid further developing my farmer's tan. I suffer in the name of beauty and perfection!!!
Next time I wallow in the sun, I am totally wearing a tube top. Just you try and stop me!!!
It was so hot that creatures were dying all around me! I felt like I was Jennifer Love Hewitt in I Know What You Did Last Summer with all kinds of death happening in my vicinity!! :(
Don't believe me? Look for yourself:
These ain't no sun-bathing mares, y'all.
I lamented for a few moments mourning the loss of these magnificent gifts to life on Earth, and then continued to complain about how hot it was.
Once we got to the Garlic Festival itself, I could have sworn I passed by 4 pregnant women halfway fainting, a bunch of fat old women with their ankles on swoll ready to pass out, and an old couple who were "slumbering" peacefully on the dirt path. And then we see the welcoming banner and I get all excited!!
Only to realize, THE GARLIC FESTIVAL WAS LAME. It was SO boring. All the food was overpriced, and like, unsanitary, and it was like an atmosphere of dry heat and high humidity all at the same time. My senses were crying out. :(
That did not stop me from taking photographs, of course!
( Gilroy Garlic FestivalCollapse )
THIS MAN INHABITS MY NIGHTMARES. Every morning, when I hop onto a BART train to get to work, I see El Cucuy's face plastered everywhere and how he is all ¡YA REGRESE! in my face and another layer of my innocence is stripped! :(
I will be doing my friends cut soon, for all y'alls FYI. I was serious about it!! As in like, NO JOKE! And to be honest, I am actually quite surprised at the # of people who still read my LJ. I thought I just had you 20! :O You are all like garlic to my heart disease, you make me all better!
Per missjeans's suggestion, this poll is to vote on "Best Don't Cut Me" post from here! I got a huge kick out of all of them, but OMG guys, stop cursing at me and calling me bad names! :( I would never have the heart to cut any of you! :( Do you see this heart: <3 ? It is not for cutting.
Who retorted the bestly in my OMG CUTTING!!! post?
i love you like chicken and waffles
don't cut me or I'll tell your mom what you did last weekend.
If you keep me on your list, I'll write you a lovely penis haiku.
Don't cut me because then I won't have anywhere to post naked photos of Jason Mraz masturbating a marine.
I just thought of something. If you take yourself off your own friend,s list, then you will be down to 149 friends. That's not too many.
I don't know if I'm on your friends list and that's fine with me as long as I can still read your posts. I like them much better than mine.
HI STEPHEN! <3
July 26th, 2005
Please comment on here if you want me to keep you on my Friends List. Otherwise, after a little while, I'll just cut you like you was shank and you can cut me like I was cake.
I don't mind if you just read and don't comment and/or fill out the polls or whatever else, but I would like to give all and any of you the opportunity to get rid of me as an LJ Friend with this post.
So yeah, this is mostly for the people who I have never seen comments from or whatnot, just comment and tell me how dumb and/or ugly I am.
I feel like Left-Eye (R.I.P.) when she hosted that one talent show on MTV. "CUUUUT!"
|hurrcut and county fair!!
July 19th, 2005
I almost ran right into an obese woman in a motorized wheelchair today, only because she stopped right in front of me as I was daydreaming about big black balls. She checked me out, checked me out!!, and then said, "You have very nice legs." I think she wanted to cut them off at the kneecaps and put them in her collection! Yikes!
So I got a hurrcut yesterday. The woman who was doing the cutting was all hardcore and vintage and scene and alternative lifestyle with her bright pink hair styled into a mohawk with side swept bangs, random piercings, and a gaudy vintage sundress with some junky necklaces and stuff. I'm like, Girl who is you foolin'? You are working at Great Clips. Please.
Anyway, she started talking about the ampleness of cowlicks in my hair. I never noticed it myself, and I told her so. She proceeded to get all paranoid and defensive like she thought that I had thought she had said something bad and was acting all paranoid and defensive myself towards her! Which wasn't the case at all! Whatevs!
When she finished, she blowdried my hair for like 10 minutes. I was afraid my fragile locks were going to all fall out by the end. When I looked in the mirror, this wench done styled my hair the exact same way as hers!!!!!!!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD! It was all edgy fauxhawk with the front parts falling sideways into emotionally-sensitive bangs! This reminded me of when I was in high school and this old Korean lady used to cut my hair, and in the end, she always styled my hair into a miniature version of the Korean bouffant she was sporting, complete with curled bangs!! When I saw this at Great Clips, the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "OMG I LOOK LIKE YOU HAHAHAHA" I don't think she really appreciated that comment. I do want to try the style though, but I don't have her blowdrying skillz.
I haven't done an update in a while. So for all y'all's FYIs, I went to the Alameda County Fair last weekend. It was more fun than I expected. A hearty mixture of trashy sunburnt white people scarfing down Fried Oreos and Fried Snickers (!!!!), ghetto Section 8 black folks with their 6 kids by 9 baby daddies, tackily-dressed Asian immigrant-likes with 18 plastic bags each filled with freebies and brochures, and those loco Mexican cowboys with their Sharpie®-eyebrowed chicas gorditas with hair tied into tight ponytails cascading like murky waterfalls of burnt brown curls.
My pasty hand holds a SNO-CONE that was $3.50. It was only right after paying for it that I realized, Dude, I just paid $3.50 for ICE and like a tablespoon of SYRUP. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?? :(
I am sad that I missed going when Raven Simone and Diana Degarmo were performing. I mean, really, what is the true meaning of a County Fair but to see Diana Degarmo perform, right?
My goal for next year's County Fair is to enter as many of the competitions as I can. They have THE MOST RANDOM CONTESTS AND AWARDS. They had the usual - Karaoke competitions, Best Pie, Pig Racing Contests, Best Goat Teats, Best Quilt, etc. Then, things get a bit peculiar: Best Vegetable Cake Contest, Best Table Setting, Best Teenage Omelette and French Toast Combo (!!???). RANDOM. But totally my scene!! THE BEST PART IS THAT EVERYONE WINS. They have like 12 1st Place Winners, and like 23 Honorable Mentions!!!! THAT'S THE BEST KIND OF CONTEST!!! In fact, I rode a bicycle for 30 seconds to see how much energy I created, AND I GOT A RIBBON FOR IT! YAY!!
( ALAMEDA COUNTY FAIR!!!Collapse )
Are you tired of these polls yet?
No! They are fun and I feel like I am contributing to the world in my own way when I fill them out.
Yes, and I also don't care about my personal hygiene, as evident by the putrid odor my scalp emits, the roe stuck in my teeth from when I had sushi a month ago, my crusty buttcrack, and rampant backne.
Yes, and I sport a cheap "glass" eye made of plastic because I lost my right eye in a freak accident in 4th grade involving a hot bowl of canned chili, Olga the lunch lady, and a plastic spork.
Yes, and I'm also tired of having to put on a wig every morning as I pulled most of my hair out in clumps due to emotional trauma too deep to get into right now, but let's just say that refrigerators and other appliances offered by GE scare me breathless.
P.S. I will be doing a FRIED update soon! It didn't really end up resulting how I wanted it to, so I'm having to rethink my plan of attack a little. But you'll see! Wait for it... Wait for it!
|Joshua and Jason sitting in a tree... while Alanis watches jealously
July 13th, 2005
Alanis Morissette is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Jason Mraz is my husband and we are going to be celebrating our Golden Annniversary soon. These are the important lessons I learned last night.
Once I really think about it, Jagged Little Pill was very instrumental in helping to shape the Angry Little Asian Grrrrrl that is a part of me. It truly is a great album, and 10 years later, the songs are still relevant and are still getting backplay in Lite-Rock, Adult Contemporary and "Alternative" radio stations.
A few things popped out at me during the concert:
1. Alanis is her own woman.
She opened with a stirring a capella of Your House, wearing the most unflattering sequin-festooned maroon cowl neck apron with leather pants. A SEQUINED MAROON COWL NECK APRON PEOPLE.
Anywayhow, as she's busting out one of the best creepy stalker songs ever (and I love me some creepy stalker songs, they're very soundtrack-of-my-life-ish), her hands were clamped together rigidly like she was emulating the Captain Baron von Trapp and Maria during their stirring duet of Edelweiss from The Sound Of Music, except more so. She went back to this pose many times during the show.
It reminded me of the symbol for Boys and Girls Club of America for some reason. Hmm, not sure why. Also, during the song Ironic, her dog ran across the stage!! It was totally ironic. Not really, but then again, none of the points raised in the aforementioned song is truly "ironic."
( Click Here For Nos. 2 to 4Collapse )
5. I am in love with Jason Mraz.
His arm was broken, so he was wearing a cast and had some local guitarist play the majority of his music. Although, being prolific and stalwart as he is, he still played the guitar on a bunch of songs. His voice is pure, his lyrics fetching, his humor satisfying, and his self-deprection endearing. And he did a White-Boy dance that included the Robot.
At one point, I turned to Joseph and I was all, Do you realize, I would not only bottom for him, I would let him fist me. To which Joseph replied, Dude, he has a cast on. And I'm like, I know. That is how in love I am.
And this, my friends, is the wrap-up of the show that was Jagged Little Pill Acoustic Tour at the Paramount Theatre in Oakland, California.
P.S. I TOOK BOOTLEGGED VIDEOS of Jason singing Joshua and I, Oh I mean You And I, and Alanis singing Perfect, Thank You, You Oughta Know, Hand In My Pocket, and a couple of others I can't remember right now.
According to Alanis, this would be totally ironic:
A traffic jam, when you're already late for your first day as an exotic contortionist for the National Acrobats of Taiwan (R.O.C.)
A "No Whoring" sign, surrounded by corrupt, closeted policemen, on the block where you are usually turning tricks as an underaged glue-sniffing Romanian prostitute.
It's like $10,000.00 when all you needed was a new liver because dialysis just wasn't having an effect in processing waste within your body anymore.
It's like Joshua meeting Jason Mraz, and then meeting his 10-years-younger 5'5 male Cambodian lover with smooth, supple skin, delicate petals of Peony eyes and natural kowtowing abilities.
July 1st, 2005
Have a good weekend everybody!!!
Because his shins is ash and needs lotion.
Stolen from mariahdaily. Thanks Richard.
June 28th, 2005
Oh hey! My neck is burnt. It's like when you leave a hot dog on the BBQ grill for too long.
Pride was this weekend, as you all should know by now, what with all the pictures and reflections all over your gay LJF page, but I'll leave my take on it for a later post.
Friday night, I went to Dragon once again. I am for really all over that club like old white on young rice.
I went with a gaggle of grills whom I have never really gone with before. This surprises me, because I had a ton of fun. I came home with an ugly bruise mysteriously marring the zen-like yellow of my delicate chrysanthemum wrist. I vaguely remember my arm connecting with (I think??) the head of someone shorter than me as I was doing my thang to, aptly enough, Missy's Lose Control. Anyway, I think I broke someone's jaw. But that is the price a person must be willing to pay to bask in my dance presence.
These are the girls I went with.
They are all wearing Old Navy jeans that were on Clearance. Mark-downs! What's up!!!
We had dinner at my new favorite place, Firewood Grill, at the Sony Metreon.
Take a look at their Daily Special!
Mmm, I love me some Sweat Peas.
( Click Here To See Concubines GigglingCollapse )
Is Whitney Houston awesome?
No. I am a big fan of Lindsey Lohan and her new "body" though.
No, and I do not believe the Holocaust ever happened!
No, but I have cravings for the filth that accumulates under my nails.
|burns, flames and flamin'
June 24th, 2005
Life is such an unfunny comedy sometimes. Like that lame sitcome Life On A Stick. Or [bad username in LJ tag]. Like that.
I've been getting severely irritated that my roommates choose to cook and eat dinner after midnight. This trend has been happening with alarming frequency in the last couple of weeks. I go to sleep amidst the sound of pots and pans banging incessantly, a strong smell of Hoisin sauce and stir-fried onions in the air, among other exotic scents, and my stomach rumbling with hunger as I lie forlornly in bed. It's annoying.
Last night, my roommate burned something. At midnight. So the fire alarm that is attached to the otherside of my bedroom wall does its bass-heavy "BRAPPPP BRAPPP BRAPPPP" and the whole place smells like burnt chicken.
I just got home from a meeting with fellow KTers in the middle of Haight. It's such a dirty neighborhood. It's like Telegraph to the 10th power, and I just don't have the tolerance for filth and filthiness. I really don't. I like clean, septic, simple, streamlined, efficient. Unless it's tacky. I am fine with that too.
Anywayhow, I don't want to come home to uncultured people who have unhealthy eating habits yet are very skinny. That don't make no sense. But whatever. As Whitney trills in Same Script Different Cast, "I'm not hating." But as Melissa Etheridge says, "Yes I am." Oh, I need to stop!
In transitional, don't you ever get the feeling sometimes that people are just boo-boo.
( LJ DRAMA OMG!!! EAT YOUR HEART OUT CLINT EASTWOOD!Collapse )
For a good time, click herre. WARNING: Pictures of a dead birdy there.
OH HEY Y'ALL. I changed my layout once again! I know... The argyle is old, but one can never have enough argyle in one's life. Thanks to Rashad for helping me do the Kimpossible. He helped me Nguyen no one else could! Asalamalaykalaykum! Thanks to Smelly for letting me piggy back on her FACE. In finally, thank you to Mark for the above below picture. Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning!!!
Joshua's new LJ layout is:
beauty-full! I could not ask for more!!
gay. I see your true colors and that's why I love you.
blinding. It's not right but it's okay, I'm gonna make it anyway!!
hate-inducing. And yeah, yeah, God is good. And yeah, yeah, God is great.
|circus fetish, michael jackson & paid accounts
June 20th, 2005
I left circusfetish today. It was boring and absolutely no circus-fetishizing was happening.
I remember when I was around 8 years old, I went to a bootleg circus with my daddy in the Philippines.
There were the dwende (Dwarves - "little people" - with body paint, dancing oddly and emitting guttural sounds in an effort to portray mystical beings of the earth.) There was a "Heathen Who Ate Live Chickens!!" (Some dirty man with long unkempt hair pretending to eat a dead chicken by getting blood everywhere and making the feathers fly around.). There was a mermaid in a shallow pond. (She wore a raggedy red wig heaped haphazardly on her head, and she looked downright miserable. People were throwing coins into the pond while she was in it, and being as the pond was not that big, the coins usually hit her.)
What horrible ways to make a living. But then again, no matter how miserable one may think one's situation is, there is always someone living a worse life. And this is why complaining sucks. Sure it feels good while you're doing it, but it's sort of like Post-It® notes. It loses its stickiness after a little while and the message you were conveying is lost in the Recycle Bin. In any case, I love to complain, as do most people. The problem is, ain't nobody want to hear them. So suck it up and do something about it. Or go write a poem.
Speaking of the circus and worse situations and childhood and the moonwalk, I spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon on a mini Michael Jackson retrospective. I was watching his performance of Remember The Time on the Soul Train Music Award and realized just how much admiration I have for King Of Pop. His leg was broken, y'all, but as my motto declares, "The show must go on." So he straight sat in a throne in the middle of the stage and had everyone dance around him. On top of this, he was lipsynching with no microphone. !!!!!! The performance consisted of neck rolls (for which the audience went nuts over every time it occurred), arm whipping, and semi-shimmying of the torso, and the occasional leg shaking. And he got a standing ovation for this. A Standing Ovation. That's my new goal. To sit on a stage and do nothing. And get a standing ovation.
Remember when this was the dance to learn? I totally mastered it! On my own... Don't front!
I'm loving the outfit. But maybe without the black tights.
( I was gifted a livejournal paid account.Collapse )
In conclusion, I have created a poll. Please answer as truthfully as possible. God don't like lie.
Is Mariah Carey awesome?
"No, but I have to wear adult diapers for incontinence."
"No, and my hair is actually a cheap polyester wig because my scalp was burned in a horrific accident involving a lighter, my 15th birthday, and stupidity."
"No. I also eat my boogers."
|stalked and pride
June 8th, 2005
A new business has taken shack in one of the suites in my floor and there's this Asian dude who works there. He could be cute, except his face is 18 shades of brown like the palette of an artist who works only in sepia, and he has both an underbite and an overbite, giving him a very horse-like appearance.
I feel like he is stalking me because every single time I go to use the communal 5th floor men's restroom, he happens to enter also, a few seconds or a minute later, then proceeds to strike up a conversation.
I hate having conversations in the bathroom. Any FTM Guide To Passing As A Man manual will tell you explicitly that guys do not talk in the bathroom. That's a woman thing. We men come in, do our business, and go. I might forgive if he put me at ease, but he creeps me out.
( So yesterday.Collapse )
For some reason, I was afraid I was a very bad gay this year and missed out on San Francisco Pride this year. I'm glad to know it's actually not until the end of June.
This will only be my 3rd Pride. Sometimes I'm surprised at how little I've attended, and then I remember how I've only been really out out for about 4-5 years, and been real comfortable with it for even less than that. Barely anybody who knows me now can imagine this at all, but once, I was a closeted "straight-acting" good little quiet Asian before all this blossoming and flaming and sparkling happened. For true!!!
Forget about that wretched 18 hour parade with Dykes on Bikes parked in front of me for 45 minutes with their titties all hanging out, and that god-awful "rainbow flag" they had last year that was - I kid you not - 19 miles long and had to be carried by 2,623 GLBTs wherein people tossed coins to help save AIDS or whatnot, or the gay members of the SFPD dressed as moustached leather daddies with their holsters overflowing of dildos, sex paraphenilia,cheap mint candy to throw, and other such items I would rather not see from alleged racial profilers. Instead, what I always look forward to for Pride is who'll be performing on the Main Stage.
Last year they had Chaka Khan, who I had the misfortune of missing by literally 5 minutes because I left the crowd to go pee (boo!), but the year before that was none other than the incomparable and most underrated diva of all time, Jennifer Holliday, owner of the gayest song ever And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going.
When she sang that song, it was baptistic. I was thrown into the River of Nile headfirst, bobbed for a few miles, and Moses swaddled me in a picnic basket with crude bread and smoked fish, and I came out a Pharaoh Queen. No lies.
The line up this year is sort of bootleg. They got Fake En Vogue up on there, with Terry Ellis, Cindy Herron, and some new chick. They're like the original revolving door of girl groups, before Destiny's Child, except no one but me and like 5 other people can recognize or even care who the original line-up included. It was like how they had Fake Klymaxx last year, with that one bass player who stole the copyright for the group's name and ditched the original Divas for some skinnier replacements.
The main stage this year also includes American Idol 3rd Place winner Kimberley Locke in all her hagship glory. When I first heard her debut single 8th World Wonder, I thought some skinny white chick was singing. But no, it was this plump Halfrican bronze medalist. Did anyone else go through that shocking revelation?
Most random of all is Third Eye Blind. I'm sure Stephen Jenkins is probably on the Hotties List of soo many gays, like maybe 5 years ago, but it still came out of nowhere. I mean, when was the last time 3EB had a song out? But then again, when was the last time Chaka, Ms. Holliday, En Vogue, and/or Kimberley Locke had hit singles?
( To someone.Collapse )
|we will not bow down to mm hmm racism
June 6th, 2005
We will not bow down to injustice!
We will not bow down to exploitation!
I'm gon' stand. I'm gon' stand.
Does anyone remember the song Freedom from the soundtrack to the movie Panther from 1995? For a budding 14 year old GIT (Gay-In-Training), Freedom was like my Lemonade.
A song about defeating prejudice and rising up, sang by a heap of notable women in R&B from the musical treasure trove of the early- to mid-90s.
TLC, Aaliyah, En Vogue, SWV, Vanessa Williams, Salt n Pepa, Brownstone, Monica, Xscape, Patra, Me'shell Ndegeocelasga24yallo, Chantay Savage, Tracie Spencer, Changing Faces, Blackgyrl, Az Iz, Jade, Female, Bahamadia, Y?N-Vee, Jazzyfatnastees, Pebbles, Queen Latifah, Nefertiti, Zhane, Joi, Billy Lawrence, and many more.
I mean, EVERYBODY. It was every single black female group and singer that I have loved or ever loved, all in one song, slappin' oppressors, strikin' fierce poses, and gettin' they manicures on, all the while their beaded braids stayed in place. It was an anthem worthy of singing.
Anyway, on Saturday, I was able to proudly sing the opening line of Freedom in solidarity with my very own walking Black History Month Celebration, Herbert.
I had previously mentioned the uproar of racism that was happening at Badlands, this gay club in the Castro in San Francisco.
Don't go there! Or you are a KKK!!!
Apparently, the injustice and outrage has escalated to the point where a band of gays and their supporters have now taken it upon themselves to march in a tight little daisy chain in front of said club while spitting out awkward rhymes along the lines of "Hey hey, ho ho, Natali's racism has got to go!!" and "If you are gay, and a racist, then you are automatically a fascist!!" and my particular favorite, "Hey Queers, Put down your beers!!"
So on Saturday, to celebrate White Boy Dan's birthday, we trekked over to the Castro for some dancing and drinking. And this is the bedlamic scene we encountered:
"2, 4, 6, 8! Gay people should not be hate!!"
( Click here to not support racism!!Collapse )
|sickie woo woo
May 27th, 2005
1. I smiled warmly at a midget as I passed by her the other day.
2. I almost fell down the stairs this morning while doing my part to promote awareness for the visually impaired. Thinking outside of the box, I decided to walk down the stairs with my eyes closed, in an effort to build empathy for those people who are blind, but due to me not having lived through life blound, (at least literally - figuratively, it's been known to have been a shortcoming of mine, but that's for another time and place), I have not yet developed that extra-sensory sonar ability that those who cannot see have developed, a la Daredevil or that one old Asian woman who darts in and out of crowded BART terminals with her white cane like she was Ms. Pacman and we were nothing but bunch of pills and fruits, which actually, one could argue is accurate. So, I slipped, but because I am still trying to prove to myself that I am a gay ninja, I was able to deftly hang on to the handrail, open my eyes, and not fall off the last step onto the ground floor.
I paused for a few seconds to reflect on how hard it must be to be blind, and I am now more open-minded.
With these good deeds in my clutches, I fully expected the perpetually freshly-laundered satin curtains of heaven to part and shine down holy anointed Swiffter-armed angels to rid my life of cobwebs, at least temporarily for Memorial Day weekend, where I have too many things to do to be sick.
GOD DANG IT, BUT I AM! I am going to be in the sun all day Saturday, will probably get half-drunk by 10:00 am, proceed to overspend on little tiny crackers with .5 inch cubes of cheese on it for lunch, go shopping in ridiculously not-cheap outlet stores, attend a shindig in the night time wherein lots of pictures will be taken and I will reunite with long-lost Brethrens of the Flame, then spend all of Sunday kickin' it crunk-style with my WHOLE FAMILY. Yes, I will be sick, and hanging out with my mama, my daddy, and my FOUR BROTHERS and their various GFs and babymamas. Why?
In conclusion, I will leave you with a FOBed out picture of me and Annie "Chicken" Wang, whose crotch I had the honor of rubbing my face into while she was making fish-flavored cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving, maked better with bootleg Paint Shop Pro.
BTW, it probably doesn't show up on your friends page, but head on over to my main LJ page here and see the new "comments" text I wrote! HAHA I am cool! So yes, all of you, touch me for the very first time, kthx.
|sneeze on me and I will cut you!
May 24th, 2005
I almost got into a fight with an old lady wearing an aquamarine polyesther pantsuit yesterday.
I'm standing in the blaring sun, seriously grumpy, because I'm getting all heatstroked and burnt by El Niño, and this uppity old white lady walks by me, and sneezes her pita sandwich all over my freshly laundered pants!!!!!!!!!! OMG!! WHO DOES THAT!!!!!!!!!! Well, actually it's happened to me before. =(
One time in high school, I was like 30 minutes late for class because I was taking Accutane, aka chemotherapy for acne, and so I was at Kaiser Permanente in the morning getting my blood sample taken because that junk is serious and they need to do all kinds of tests to make sure you are not going to die in the next week because your blood pressure is all whack and your cholesterol is shooting up, and mostly to make sure you DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BECOME PREGNANT WITH CHILD BECAUSE IT WILL CAUSE SEVERE BIRTH DEFECTS and lord knows if I was to become a high school b-a-b-y-m-a-m-a, I would not want a child with 3 feet and Tyrannosaurus Rex hands, you know?
Anyway, I came to class, and as soon as I sat down in my desk, I turned around to ask Suzanne Kiehn (who I amazingly had a crush on in 6th Grade because she made me a little plexiglass keychain with a sailboat and my name painted on it !??!?) what I missed but before I could get 5 words out, SHE SNEEZES RIGHT IN MY FACE. Oh Madonna, it was so traumatizing. I turned right back around with the quickness and faced the front, and for some inexplicable high school reason, I did not want her, or anyone else, to know she had SNEEZED ON MY FACE so I refused to wipe my face of this moist residue that was like a facial mask on me for like... seriously, 15 minutes, until I was sure I could wipe it in a subtle way wherein no one would notice and by then, IT WAS ALL DRY. So yeah, I'm pretty touchy when it comes to people sneezing on me. I've had issues, okay?
So back to present day, I am glad someone held me back because it finna go down otherwise aiiight! I woulda glocked that biyatch right thurr, ya heard!??? Represent! Brotha!!! Yeah, don't you hate it when gay people try to act black? I totally do? What gave us this right? Our ancestors weren't slaves! We weren't held down by the Chains of Amistad!!! Our tribal chiefs did not sell us poor villagers to ruthless American traders for the mere price of a bushel of lemons and a bucket of corn to work mercilessly as beasts of burden in this unknown New World and break our backs pickin' cotton and climbing Banyan Trees!! So yeah, Except me, that is. Because I am a lawyer, and I know these thangs.
In conclusion, why do some people insist on posting comic strips that are unfunny? The one I hate the most is that ugly one with the dinosaurs.
I read it, or at least try to, because I can never seem to get past the first speech bubble without my chinky eyes glazing over. Yeah, this? Not so much funny or "comic" as "pretentious" and "tacky". The creators claim it's for the "thinking man" but by "thinking man" I think they really mean "losers who have no friends and want to impress people by trying to pass themselves off as 'thinking man' types by finding humor in unfunny 'comic' strips about lame things no one else wants to write about." No offense if anyone likes the Unfunny Dinosaur Comic Strip, but you are a loser with no friends. Hahaha jk.
Now, this is funny. To further gayefy an already very gay post, by popular request, IT IS BACK!!
|this is my surreal life
May 17th, 2005
Surreal Life on VH1 is a great show. I don't normally watch it, but when I do, I can't help but get this mixture of feelings including, but not limited to, amusement, horror, pity, and fond nostalgia. To have fallen so far behind the 15 Minutes Parade that these C and D-Listers call "Life" and "Food" that they would agree to be on a show with all those in their same league, it takes a certain amount of balls. I remember seeing the first Surreal Life on WB, and I was like, Why is that Real World Vegas dirty slut Trishelle on another show? !! And then the first one with Corey Feldman, and MC Hammer. MC HAMMER!!!!!!!! And the 56 year old high school student Andrea Zuckerman from 90210!
I'm deciding whether I would ever do something like this if my meager attempts at Fame led to an actual 15 Minutes of Infamosity. I guess I'll have to get to the Fame part first.
Anyway, my own Surreal Life would go beyond the C and Ds of Hollywood and go straight to those who had to opted for P/NP, still failed, got put on AP (Academic Probation for you straight shooters), then got kicked out of the academia that is the Media Radar.
( This is who I would pick for reals.Collapse )
|burnin' down the house!
May 13th, 2005
I almost pulled a Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopes (RIP) at 2020 Channing last night!
Heating up some left over soup, popped a DVD into my computer (Ocean's Twelve - definitely not worth the price of a new place, for your FYI), and a little while into the movie, I hear this loud incessant BRRRRRIP BRRRRRIP BRRRRRRIP sounding like THX 5.1 Surround Sound and I'm like, Whoa, that's bass-heavy.
I ignore it for about 20 seconds, and then I realize the sound is coming from literally outside my wall, and I'm watching a movie about espionage and crooks and I'm thinking, Okay, someone is drilling a hole into cement or some sort of iron, idiots. That is NO way to break into my humble abode. So I run outside with my housekeys all weapon-like ready to maul the intruder (unless he was some hot guy) but I'm confronted with the smell of burning chicken and lots of smoke, and the fire alarm going BRRRRRIP BRRRRRRRIP BRRRRRIP on me. I burn my finger and the countertop trying to not burn the dirty plastic tupperware in the sink and trying to cool off the smokin' pot (haha no pun intended) and get minor smoke inhalation. I'm not hurt; mostly I feel shame.
Lesson #1: Do not leave dirty tupperware in your sink if you decide to burn something.
Lesson #2: Lighting scented candles does not help to get rid of the burnt smoke smell.
Lesson #3: If you hear unusual, loud noises near you, it is most likely a god-given sign.
Lesson #4: Only burn things on purpose.
Like when you break an arm, or get bitten by a poisonous snake, this is a learning experience.
You know what's weird? Every time I tell people my horrible experiences, something along the lines of this, they laugh, or say OMG and LOL. Why? =(
|Who's day? Yo mama's day! What
May 9th, 2005
A 2-Day celebration for my mama.
I have too much fun with PSP.
I decided to get my mama a mani/pedi (since I know Vicky loves it when I use that term) for Mother's Day. She really didn't want it, and not because she was a cheap old Asian woman who would rather do everything by hand and back to save 18 pennies, but because her feet were The Gross. I informed her that the Vietnamese women who were going to be scraping her feet have seen worse, the Killing Fields and all, and that feet is their life, so her feet were most likely not going to be the nastiest they have seen, although I ventured they were probably in the Top 10. It took a lot of persuading, but finally, I got her plunked down in one of those massage chairs with the foot spa. While she got her pedicure on, I tried to figure out what kind of nails I wanted if I were a baby mama.
I'm torn between the pink ones with the climbing cherry blossoms and the red/white with the two <3's.
There was also a Spring Festival Fair at Park Street. It was pretty boring. They had not-good overpriced Kettle Corn. I thought it was Caramel Corn but it was just the OLD OIL CANCER-CAUSING TRANS-FAT that they used to make the popcorn look BROWN.
( My Aunt is a Cheap Old Asian WomanCollapse )
( Me And My MamaCollapse )
Yeah, I'm soooo sure.
There was a petting zoo.
OMG BABY PIGLET WITH BUNNIES!!! THEY ARE EATING CANDY CANES!!!!
( Hot Chicks With Horses XXX!Collapse )
At our decrepit home, I decided to take pictures of random stuff and claim they were artsy.
( Pots & Plants!!Collapse )
|wet socks and FS
May 4th, 2005
I couldn't sleep last night. I think it was because visions of The Beast danced through my head.
F34R the B34ST
Curse speedkillscats for the above.
Don't you hate it when your socks get wet and nastified when you walk in puddles caused by the rain, and you're forced to endure this marination in your shoes all day? I do, which is why I always have extra socks at work!!!
Speaking of wet, because jypsyq did not believe me when I told her that when I sweat, I sweat the Circle Of Life, I took a picture of the shirt I wore to 24 Hell Fitness yesterday.
( Nants Ingonyama Bagithi BabaCollapse )
I went to see PCN 2005: Rise a couple of weekends ago. A lackluster show, but the native dance with the bahag is always a treat.
You can't see it, but these are all hot exotic brown-skinned Filipino men in loincloths. Yes, the ladybug is random. I <3 my bootlegged Paint Shop Pro. You will find out soon just how much, but that's for later.
In conclusion, I'm still a newbie when it comes to stalking. Here's a super secret paparazzi photograph I shot of this Anonymous Hot Guy last weekend.
Anonymous Hot Guy, if you are reading this, my contact infoz is on the user page here. I'll be waiting.
May 3rd, 2005
I'm totally over my cripple quota for the week.
It all started last night, when I went to sleep convinced I would wake up blind. I had put something on my face by those wenches Rodan & Fields because I needs help, and apparently, it got in my eye and it started burning and I didn't notice this until about 10 minutes of me being in bed with itchy eyes. By then, I was too settled in to get up and warsh my face, so I'm like, Ehh, screw it. I'm too tired to worry about losing vision by tomorrow. I'll just tough it out. At least I woke up intact. I would be angry if I lost my sight!!! Wouldn't you??
Then, on the BART this morning, I cut off this old Asian lady who had one of those blind people canes, but I swear I didn't realize she was blind because she was seriously weaving in and out of the crowd actin' like she was horse hair on Fontaqina's head at Frodonda's Beauty Shoppe down on MLK Jr. St. and 26th. Anyways, she's probably a faker.
A stop later, another blind Asian girl (!!! It's Raining Blind Asian Girls!) came on with a dog she was yanking around like it was a pitbull with bloodlust and she was Big Boi from Outkast. I'm like, OMG Cruelty to Animals, WTH!?!??! I kept watching her and she was for reals doing these cruel things to it: clamping its mouth shut with both of her delicate oriental lotus blossom hands, and later on, literally shoving him under her seat with the heels of her sensible shoes!! I was like Whoa! Of course, being the average (naturalized) American citizen that I am, I turned a blind eye to her. OMG NO PUN INTENDED!!!!!!
I got off the bus silently belting Vision Of Love to myself and as I exited the Arabian coffeeshop with my daily morning coffee, I proceeded to bang the door shut on this old woman in a wheelchair who I did not notice!!!! =( Wahhh!!@!! I swear to Madonna if I conceived a child today, he or she would be born one-eyed and with a huge tumor on the neck with like teeth and nostrils on it and I'm going to be a mother torn between mercykill and letting my child live and attemping to create a healthy and supportive environment for him/her!!!!! God!
To balance my karma out, a few things:
Yes! R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Take care TCP!!! (WTH did that mean anyway? Does anyone know?)
Also, buy some Disable Friendly apparel and accessories! ( It helps promote disability and support!!!Collapse )
|"a ginormous Kerropi doll"
May 2nd, 2005
It has recently come to my attention that I remind someone, particularly, fuido, of a, and I quote, "a ginormous Kerropi doll." I cried. I hated. I got black up in here and created a scene. And then I collected myself.
Apparently I look like that. Excuse me while I go kill myself in front of 3rd Grade Students during Nap Time right now.
Okay... Someone just called the office. His name was Peter Fister. Oh, the implications!!!
Peter, Peter, Anus Fister?
Now excuse me as I sail away with tears streaming down my face to Craphole Island where the cast of Lost chillaxes and roughs it, and like, kick it with them, because with people like Hurley and Sun baking in this island, I will fit right in, and then, like Destiny's Child, I can crawl around the sand in Mama Knowles-designed outfits whipping my weave around and be all, "I'm a survivor! I'm not gon' give up! I'm not gon' stop (what!)! Keep on survivin'!!!"
|celebrites exposed + badlands
April 27th, 2005
( Celebrations of CelebritiesCollapse )
Badlands Discriminated Against Blacks
You know, if a club just had to discriminate, why can't they be smart and discriminate against all the DS (Dirty Skanks) littering the streets of San Francisco. Ever since the whole Badlands is racial thing happened last year or so, Badlands started to play hip-hop music more regularly, from what I noticed. Which is all good to me, because you can't get down unless Lil Kim starts pondering How Many Licks!???, right? Badlands is fun because they play the cheesy bubblegum pop my little fluffy heart loves (Atomic Kitten, Geri Halliwell, Steps!?!??!!!!!, etc.) but when nasty old men spray their nasty old sweat as they start to interpretive dance to Tu Es Foutu by In-Grid or Beautiful by Xtina all over innocent little me who is just trying to lose calories and practice dance moves, then you know something is wrong with that venue.
Secondly, just as the media failed to see the forest for the trees with the whole Terri Schiavo thing (Who cares about keeping her on life support!?? That skank had a brain damaging heart attack in the first place because she was a frikkin' bulimic. Let's next time focus on that, NY Times. KTHXBYE!!!), SF Chronicle really missed the boat in this pier. What I would like to ask is, Why was a 38 year old trying to get into Badlands in the first place? I'm not trying to age discriminate, but y'all. There is a club for you, Marvin Miller, you know the one in the corner affectionately called The Glass Coffin. And if that's not your scene, try Bingos on Tuesdays at the San Francisco Gay & Lesbian Community Center. <3
In conclusion, I would like to leave you with Christina Aguilera's hair.
|AI Top 6 recap
April 25th, 2005
I haven't really written about American Idol that much this season. A huge part of this could probably be blamed on the fact that the idiot "judges" all want to shove Bo, Constantine and Carrie down our throats. Yes, we get your point. You want us to believe THEY ARE THE BEST EVER OMG NO ONE ELSE IS BETTER!!! this year and of seasons past, just like the judges forced us to believe Mantasia was THE BEST IDOL EVER OMG NO ONE ELSE IS BETTER!!!!! last year. That being said. Here's my story.
I'm surprised not many people have noticed that 75% of the black folks in this competition have gone in a row the last three weeks. If this trend continues, my girl Baby V aka Vonzell Solomon will be the next to go this week. If this is the case, well then, ( this is going to happen.Collapse )
That being said.
Vonzell. I love you, girl. You done did Whitney, Aretha and Chaka proud. You've pulled a Michael Jackson and befriended a Leukemia Victim. You have Catered 2 Us. You keep it tight, keep your figure right. You keep your hair fixed, always rockin' the hottest outfits. And I woudn't doubt that if the collective voting public of America taps you on the shoulder, you'd roll over!!!!!
Yet, through it all, you've stayed humble as apple pie with a simple store-bought crust cover. (None of that homemade organic lattice mess. Please.) But!!!!
Them ashy pits gots to go. Now. KTHXBYEOMG!!!!!!!1
Anthony. What is it about you do I like?
The fact that you look like the lovechild of Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy as you pose with these two Latina grills who adore your Polar-Bear-As-Fiery-Latino schtick?
( Or...Collapse )
Scott Savol is a monster. Case in point: Crystal speedkillscats likes him. A lot. She only likes monsters. He started out with that Wow Of A Voice, wherein everyone who saw and heard were shocked. It was like fourth-hand used car with rust all over the front hood, the rear left passenger door is a different color than the rest of the car and the taillights are cracked, and finding that there's supple leather interior with a fur-lined dashboard, fully-equipped GPS tracking system, DVD players for the passengers a little 7-Up dispenser where the cigarette lighter would have been! But as his reputation disintegrates, so did his voice. And frankly, those malevolent, semi-intelligent soulless eyes of a cold-blooded killer terrify me. At least from what I've seen of it during the up-angle shots where the excess fat from his forehead is not drooped over and covering his eyes.
Here he is attempting to disguise himself from the police after finding out he beat Paula and gave her that lazy eye she's been sporting the last few weeks. As though his girth and that aura of fright can be missed.
( Monster, Inc.Collapse )
WTH? Bo, Carrie and Constantine already had an album out!!!!
This trio of Americana Pie needs to be banned, lynched and disqualified based on that album cover alone.
And in conclusion.
With the exit of that classy dame Nadia Turner, who my dad keeps calling Tina and who he insists should have sung songs by Diana Ross (for no other reason except she had an afro like the 60s ?!?!?), and with my increasing suspicion that the Top 3 will be the singers of Country Church, I'm caring a little less about these folks.
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